November 9th, 2003

books

How to Get Published....

Agent: (cackling nastily) STOP!
Who would cross the Bridge to Publication
Must answer me
These questions three
Ere the other side he see.
Writer Igenue: (stoically) Ask me your questions, Agent. I am not afraid!
Agent: (cackling all the while) What...is your name?
Writer Igenue: My name is Writer Ingenue the Hopeful.
Agent: What...is your quest?
Writer Igenue: To seek publication.
Agent: What...is your favorite color of ink?
Writer Igenue: Blue.
Agent: Right, off you go.
(pause)
Writer Igenue: (realizing that was it) Oh, thank you. Thank you very much!
(And off she goes. The writers look at each other.)

Wannabe Writer: That's EASY!!!
(A mad rush for the bridge. Wannabe Writer arrives first. The other writers cluster behind.)

Agent: STOP!
Who approacheth the Bridge to Publication
Must answer me
These questions three
Ere the other side he see.
Wannabe Writer: (excitedly) Ask me the questions, Agent, I am not afraid.
Agent: What...is your name?
Wannabe Writer: Wannabe Writer.
Agent: What...is your quest?
Wannabe Writer: To seek publication!
Agent: What...is the best way to write a query letter?
(pause)
Wannabe Writer: (indignant) I don't know THAT!!
(An unseen force whisks him up and over the side.)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(The writers pause, realizing this may be a bit tougher than all that.)
( Copywriter approaches the bridge. )


Agent: STOP! What...is your name?
Copywriter: Copywriter!
Agent: What...is your quest?
Copywriter: I seek publication.
Agent: What...is your favorite color?
Copywriter: (relieved) Blue! (starts across) No! YELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!!

(Author steps forward... the Agent cackles some more.)

Agent: STOP! What...is *your* name?
Author: It is Author, King of the Much Published in Short Stories!
Agent: What...is your quest?
Author: To seek publication of my first novel!
Agent: What...is the newest hottest thing in speculative fiction?
Author: (brief pause) What do you mean, interstitial or slipstream writing?
Agent: (confused) Huh? What? I...I don't know that... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHHHHHHH!

(he is thrown into the Gorge of Eternal Query Letter Reading.)
Author crosses the bridge.


Newbie Writer: (crossing behind Author) How do you know so much about writing?
Author: Well, you have to know these sorts of things when you're a king, you know...

***

With much thanks to my unpaid assistant and the obviously referenced fun farce....
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