For Potential Clients:

1. Formatting: Margins are optional. As long as you fit everything on one page, it doesn't matter what kind of font you use. Colored paper is cheerful. White paper is boring. Stickers or glitter are particularly helpful. Obviously that makes snailmail queries superior to email ones.

2. As long as we're at it, grammar and spelleng is optional too. Above all, do not bother spending time on profreading.

3. Due to rising costs of business in the current economy, we must now charge 42 cents for each email query after the first one. Luckily, in May this will still be less expensive than sending them by post as the rates are going to rise again.

4. Bribes will now be accepted. (Please note that you may still not refer to these as "reading fees" as we must comply with the AAR canon of ethics.)

5. An agent needs to get to know you well, particularly at the early stage of the query letter. So please include your date of birth, parents' names (including mother's maiden name) and occupations, marital status, number of children (if any), favorite color, favorite animal, and any other important personal information. If you want to say something about your novel too, that would be grand.

6. Queries may now only be submitted on the first Tuesday of every month if your gender is female and the second Thursday of each month if your gender is male. If your gender is neither or both, please feel free to submit at any time.

7. Each and every query will now receive an individual and detailed response. Regretfully, that means we must raise our response time to approximately 9 months.

For Clients:

1. Each full manuscript must be accompanied by a bottle of single malt. For partials and outlines, you can send nips.

[Edit 4/3/09 - Just in case you are reading this somewhere else and can't see the date it was posted, it was April 1st. Really? You thought I was serious about the glitter?]